“Hey” she smiled.
“Oh, hello there…….bar is closed.” I said smiling playfully, lighting a cigarette.
“No sh*t jerk. You know exactly why I am here.” she said, letting her blonde hair down.
I raised an eyebrow, smirked sarcastically “No, I don’t, perhaps you could tell me while you…….” I started to say but her actions cut me off. Quick.
She walked up to the bar, reached her toned n’ tanned arms around my neck. I froze. I tried to show no surprise, but it was pretty much impossible. She pulled the cigarette from my mouth, tossed it on the bar, leered in close……her breath (she must have brushed her teeth in her hotel room before coming back here) was sweet, heavy, intoxicating as her exhale hit my neck………I could feel my pulse already quicken fast and hard. I felt a rush over my body. Women didn’t and never did this to me……I will admit. Inside I was freaking scared. Really scared.
She said in breathless, seductive whisper burning with need “F*ck me. F*ck me right now.” Her arms tightened around my neck, I was sitting on the bar, she started to bring her body up to me, press in-on against me……..
So this is it. Something I had been wanting since I was 13 or whatever was finally gonna happen at the age of 34 on a bar in an empty banquet room in San Francisco around 3AM. Coming off cocaine with a woman who was a straight-up b*tch the whole night to everyone at her sisters wedding. Real classy Jason.
She pressed up between my legs pulled me to her……the contact with her body sprung my body to life…….I got instantly hard……..I won’t be graphic here…but you all get it.
“Ooooo!!!!” she said close to me, her body feeling my immediate reaction……”What a naughty boy you are!” I swallowed hard said in a strained whisper “I’m not a boy.” She smiled, impressed with herself. Gently pressed and ground herself onto me…….”That feels good??” (“YES, HEAVENLY” I thought to myself). She asked coyly wide-eyed, and smiling. “Cause, it feels good on me…….” She moved, adjusted herself…..a little…..”Yeah, Oooooooo…..right there” She sighed-giggled intensely, “It’ll go right in there, feel that? You want that? You wanted that all night from me didn’t you? F*uck me. Now.” She said seductively.
How could I maintain? HOW? Do I just do this, get over this, just do it………sh*t at this rate it’s gonna be “over” before it starts and we’re not even naked, and we have not even kissed yet. Do I tell her I’m a virgin? Are we gonna use a condom. Does she have one? I don’t.
Fighting for control. Fighting. I smiled, said “Your room.” In a commanding whisper.
I struck hesitation with her, she smiled and whispered seductively “Oh…..no, no, I am sharing a room with my young cousin. She’s 12. We have to f*ck here, right here. Right now.” She breathed on my neck, gently licked it shooting lightening-pleasure through me. She slowly reached her hand to my crotch, and so gently fondled me through my trousers, tracing her fingers down and around….a wicked smile hit her lips as she spoke “Ooooooo, a little bigger than I expected, full too…….”
Okay, okay……..it’s gonna be over here real quick if I don’t command control of this now. A woman like this will shame me, heap contempt on me because I didn’t perform like a porn star. In fact, by her behaviors and actions tonight no man has ever satisfied her.
She pressed her female parts on me I could feel them through her panties……….started to unbutton my shirt.
“Do you even know who I am?”
She giggled, ran her hand through my hair…..”I bet you’re blonde down there, the eyebrows give it away.” She playfully said, unbuttoned the next button on my shirt.
“We girls just want a nice guy. Really we do.”
Her hand reached through my waist on my trousers…..she slid it down, touched. Explosion of pleasure by her physical touch gave pulsing anticipation…..
“Well…..are you????….Oh you are?” She said coyly as she traced the shape of me with her finger. I was flushed, heavily breathing……she looked at me in my eyes……hers a hazel-brown, eyes that could be and maybe once were pretty……zero emotion. Eyes of only power, and control. Only anger. Only a vile vindictiveness. The only “Game” here was by her, only another conquest by her. I had nothing to do with this. I was the last option tonight. Passable perhaps. Not her first choice by far.
“It’s not you its me……you’re a really nice guy, but…….you would make a great father………a nice girl doesn’t want a guy who does cocaine or drugs or wastes his time…….treat women like the trash they are…….bro, you got game…………Tell me! Tell me what do I have!?”
I breathed, threw my head back in ecsatsy…….I said hoarsely “Girly, It’s gonna be over before it starts if you keep………..(hard swallow)……that going.”
She lit up, “Oh, well in that case….I may not even need a shower afterward.” She smiled softly in my ear….still gently touching and exploring me with her hand down my pants……..she bit her lower lip teasingly. It. Felt. Amazing. I could not even fathom what it would feel like inside her body.
“Not if I cum in your hair.” I said with a smiling-whisper, lifting my hips as if they now had a mind of their own.
“Ohhhhhh, there’s a bit of kink, and fetish under this buttoned-down image you have. It makes me even hotter for you…..” She whispered. Her other hand went for my belt.
Not like this Jason. Not this way. You’re better than this.
Husky with need, urgency…..I *forced* the words out “You have a condom?” Hard swallow by me. She whispered sweetly, as she undid my belt “I’m on birth control.”
A quick flash-image to all the penises that had a turn before me. That mouth that probably sucked-off many more….who am I to judge…….I am a cocaine addict. A liar. Slowly going downhill, working a night club at 34……..time was running out for me……what could I offer……is this the kind of woman I deserved because of my choices?
“Besides” she said, “If I get pregnant at this point, I could handle it without a man.” I heard these words with a sweet, seductive whisper, she unbuttoned my trousers, she went for my boxers……but underneath that statement. Such anger. Such contempt. Such a carefree and careless attitude towards this.
Promises made in the heat of quick pleasurable decision…….not like this Jason. Not this way. Not here. Not with this one. No.
In what seemed *impossible* by me at this point; and if we had been able to go to her hotel room, it would have happened. If I had ripped a few lines of cocaine before she arrived, I will fully agree that I would have done it. Maybe if I had indeed downed that shot of gin before she arrived…….it might have went down on this bar, in her mouth, down her throat or even in her hair…………..
Opening bars to The Rolling Stones “Monkey Man” played on my brain
I pushed myself back, she playfully tried to pull me back, thinking it was a “game” to her. I smiled, said as gently as I could still flushed with need for release, and aching pleasure to experience this…..
“Girly, no condom? Well there is NO WAY I am getting this way with you.”
She. Stopped. Went slack. Stood up fully. Tossed her loose hair behind her ear, Said quite loudly, and forcefully “What the F*CK is that supposed to mean?!”
I knew now it was not going to happen. Didn’t play Game. Game only means the woman’s way. What she wants. Who she chooses. And when. Men have been falling for this, calling themselves “alphas” when women the whole time are calling the shots. They smell desperation in men for sex. They call it out. Not men. Not today.
I want sex………but not this way. I want a girlfriend. Despite my addiction. My problems. My self-esteem. My mess. For once……with something I walk with and have……and have not lost. Not this way. Only with a girl who likes me, and really wants to be with me. A girl who will only share this with me as a girlfriend.
I said gently “You know exactly what I mean.”
She shoved me hard back on to the bar “Assh*le!” she yelled (can you imagine if I didn’t perform to her standards or expectations). “Mary Poppins and June CLeaver don’t f*ck guys like you because you have zero to offer them (and this woman does have something to offer me besides berating and not playing HER Game).
“I smiled, and actually laughed a little by her outburst “Umm…..no Mary Poppins should have married that chimney-sweep, and June Cleaver built up her husband and stood by him.”
“F*CK YOU!” She yelled. She fidgeted and tried to find her way back through the slit in the curtain……and when she did find it…..pushed through and left. She yelled “F*ckin’ Faggot!” as she left the banquet room.
Ummmmm….’no’ I thought to myself. A guys sweaty, hairy-butt doesn’t turn me on.
I poured that shot of gin. Downed it. I was shaking a little. Poured another. Downed it. Still shaking. Poured another. Downed it. I then went to the small back room behind the bar. Locked the door. Dropped my pants and let go, had a wank it was quick, believe me……….I don’t need to explain to anyone on how it felt. It was a very “gushing” situation. I let out a good cry of pleasure too. I won’t explain further. No, I won’t. You all know what I mean. Don’t freakin lie 🙂
I smoked a cigarette and then finished cleaning up the bar. I admit, I just wanted to go home, do some cocaine and listen to music for a bit…..maybe have another wank or two…I was super aroused still……I will admit that.
I suddenly didn’t become all moral. I was still willing to have sex with a woman who was WORTH my time and standards I wanted. I still was a drug addict, and alcoholic. I was still sneaky in my personal behaviors…….but this night………….I saw how Game worked for real…….and it showed me even back then………..what joke it was and still is.
(San Francisco. September 2004)